It's hard to believe I didn't update when I finished chemo, because that felt like a serious milestone, because that was a big milestone. In the mean time there has been some good and some bad that I won't go into here.
I'm starting to not be able to keep up with the blog, so I think I'm going to set it aside for a while (something I've already been doing gradually). I think once spring rolls around and I'm starting reconstructive surgery and there is more consistent sunshine, I'll be better about updating. Right now most of my energy and creativity is sapped by the classroom. I get to this blank page and the thought of filling it with the sort of writing anyone might want to read seems impossible. Currently, I'm working an average of ten hours a day and still doing work on the weekends and still waiting for the last round of chemo meds to run their course - getting back to a normal energy level is a ways off and presently, this job and putting decently healthy dinners on the table is about all I can accomplish. I get to the weekend feeling pretty beat and needing lots of rest. The good thing is that I do rest. The bad thing is that I might be over-working myself, just a little. The positive rationale for doing so is that everyone at my current (temporary) job seems very intent on helping me find a permanent one and I have an interview coming up this Friday.
I don't think I want to write much about my last chemo treatment because I won't give it its due. It was an amazing feeling and a good friend shared the whole day with me, laughing and keeping things positive, and if I write about it now, it'll come off as a list of minor events culminating in the mediocre telling of a major life event. I don't want to do that.
Weird side effect of the chemo that is just starting - my fingernails are separating from the skin beneath them that keeps each one attached to the ends of my fingers. I am unnerved by this process. I'm trying to be gentle with my hands and I'm not prodding at them or anything, but every time I look at my fingers the white tip of my nail has grown, reaching further and further toward the nail bed. I'm not sure how to react. It isn't gross yet, but it seems to be headed that way - the slow progression to a fairly insignificant, but uncomfortable, strange, and socially semi-repugnant end result of being a person in the world with NO FINGERNAILS. ew. Also, how long before they grow back? Will the grow back in a weird way? What does one do to protect that newly unearthed, tender pink flesh where there ought to be nice, hard nails? I have a lot of questions. Which brings me to another thing (sorry to be so disjointed) - perspective. While losing my fingernails might normally seem like a huge ordeal, and it is definitely of concern, I keep thinking I have to remind you as I type that I realize that this is not actually a very big deal. Because it isn't. And because all sorts of things that once seemed like a big deal will probably not ever seem like such a big deal again. Because I've been through chemo, and even that was a much easier round than many people endure. And I'm here. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere. The purpose behind the chemo is sinking in again. I think I trust it. And I'm ready to keep going.
Thank you, dear few readers. It's meant a lot to me that you have bothered to read my rambling, bumbling, and frequently depressive ranting. For now, I'm going to turn myself over to a different kind of healing, focus on putting together my new normal, reassemble a social life, and adjust to the slow cancer battle - the one that is long-term and about lifestyle and a little daily pill.
Check back in the spring!
much love.
