surgery again

Tomorrow I will have another surgery to remove cancer from my chest. This time the disease has taken up in the skin, a soft-tissue recurrence. The surgery is outpatient and therefore promises to be a fairly minor procedure. Skin will be removed, lymph nodes will be removed, all will be sent to pathology to look for more cancer cells and I will be sent home, ostensibly cancer-free. Easy.
But I can't shake this irrational thought that I'm in for the first surgery I had two years ago to remove cancer, the one that left me utterly dependent and in agonizing pain, the one that coerced my very willing mother through her breaking point, that was followed by weeks of surgical drain maintenance, pain-medicated fog and stretches for my arm that wanted so badly to seize up and move less forever.
But it isn't that surgery, I know. Regardless, I am scared for reasons both rational and irrational. The surgeon is, after all, looking in the lymph nodes for more cancer and finding cancer in the lymphatic system would obviously be bad news. I am also scared that she will find easily clear margins around the tumor and that the nodes are spotless. Because if those nodes are clean and if the margins around the tumor are small and clean, that means, from a medical perspective, that I need only minimal adjuvant therapies. But I don't want minimal follow-up treatments. I want everything. I want radiation and chemo and stronger daily meds and another mastectomy and to be stripped bare of every organ and bit of skin, laid out on a table, scrubbed clean with cell-destroying antiseptic, and reassembled, safe. Because I do not feel safe. Because we did everything we could do the last time around and here I am again, with this fucking disease and I just want it gone. So I do not want to be told by any happy doctor that this lucky patient can get away with just a short round of radiation. I can't feel the security in that, though I know it's there, right on top, waving its jubilant little hands. I recognize that this perspective is coming from a place of fear and damage, so don't go thinking I'm all irrational all of the time, I'm not. Just scared.