dreams

I have a recurring dream. More accurately I have a series of dreams that revolve around a shared theme - finding Jason a new partner.

Sometimes she is a sexual partner, unrealistically hot, adventurous, sexy, with breasts that will never be remade out of her ass. Sometimes she is old, grandmotherly and nurturing. Sometimes she shape-shifts, switching rapidly back and forth between these two frames. (Archetypal much, subconscious o' mine?) On occasion, I am part of the shape-shifting. Most of the time we are shopping, perusing supermarket shelves that are stocked with attractive, kempt women where one ought to find bags of dried fruit and granola. Jason does not usually notice them. Oblivious to my unusual search, resting one foot on the brace bar at the bottom of a cart and pushing himself along with the other, he is happy. I am frantic. I stop regularly to ponder women as they sit - smiling though contorted on grocery shelves that cannot accommodate their height - happily talking to each other. what about a red head? blond? did he ever date any blond women? maybe alison had blond hair. where are the descriptions of these women's musical tastes? education? interests? positions on religion? politics? do they eat healthily? we can't have someone who eats like him - he'll never eat any vegetables. shit shit shit. He whistles, picks up a box of Raisin Bran and tosses it into the cart, a jolly dream grocery shopper. A slender brunette in a sweater set introduces herself. She is remarkably pleasant and all wrong for him. I run away from her before Jason realizes what I'm up to. Although it is at this point in the dream, while he glides to the end of the aisle and I stand - anxious, torn between following him and interviewing more suitors - a few yards behind him, that it occurs to me that maybe in these dreams, I'm not actually alive.

I very rarely think this sort of thought while I am awake. I do not feel haunted by these strange dreams, though they are unpleasant as they happen. Maybe this is a way of getting these thoughts out of my system.

Last night over dinner Jason and I talked a little about my surgery. I said something sarcastic about it and he said (roughly), 'it's a great anniversary. you get to live.' So here's to celebrating our first anniversary by making sure there will be many more of them to come.