I've been staying very busy prepping lesson plans lately. Yep, I'm teaching... another teacher's classes, but I'm grateful for it either way. I sort of forgot how much work it takes to get all the content fresh in my own mind, then figure out what I want/need the kids to learn, then set up a plan for how to get them there. In some ways I make it harder than myself than I really need to. I could spend a lot less time planning if I were content to find videos for them to watch, assigning textbook readings and letting them answer those crap questions at the end of each chapter. I'll be honest, the students will do a little bit of that stuff, but I'm also trying to create activities and build in ways for them to get out of their seats, use their brains for something beyond rote memorization. Doing that for three classes, five days a week is a lot of work. It's good work, and I'm glad to be doing it. This is the sort of job in which I could lose myself, giving all of my free moments and then some over to grading, coming up with ideas for projects and activities, tweaking lectures, looking again and again for the perfect reading. Yesterday I promised Jason that I wouldn't do that this time. I promised that I would set limits on what I will give to this job because the degree to which I have pushed myself in the past has meant giving up a lot: time with Jason, friends, and family; sleep; healthy eating habits; a little bit of sanity.
I like to work. I like to be busy. For months now I've been feeling like I've been doing so little, spinning my professional wheels and contributing minimally to household finances, so teaching -even if they're not my classes for good- feels like a godsend. But, owing to the thankless nature of the profession in general, and the substitute profession in particular, it comes with a few conditions I ought to remember. 1. I'm not getting paid to build these classes from the ground up (even if that's what needs to be done), I am getting paid to fill in for the person who gets paid to build the classes. It's just bad timing that the new semester is starting and she didn't have them all planned out for me. 2. It's ok if everything isn't perfect. 3. This isn't a permanent job. I need a recommendation and to be on someone's radar and I can do that by doing the job very well. 4. I don't need to break myself to do the job very well. 5. I have to be concerned with taking care of myself. I am still healing and even if I mostly feel fine, missing out on rest or creating undue stress are things that will make healing harder.
Everyone keeps telling me that they're sure this will be the thing that leads me to full-time teaching work. I hope they're right. I could use something productive to pour my energy into, and I've been looking for a job for a good long while now. The whole job search process is mighty discouraging.
The day after tomorrow I will have my last chemotherapy treatment. I wonder how that will feel. Right now I'm feeling a lazy sort of anticipation, I'm glad I'm so close to being done, but I also feel kind of ... blank.
I was thinking about you today and looking to congratulate you on making it through your chemo treatments. Something I've realized as of late is that too often, we discount some of the things we accomplish because they are not defined as work or legitimate paid labor. You've kicked some legit ass these last several months and as important as finding a job and doing well at it are, taking time to care for yourself and enjoy life are not only as important as paid labor, they often make you better at that paid labor.
ReplyDeleteSo congrats on your last chemo treatment tomorrow. I will be thinking about you. Make sure to give yourself your due credit for the immense amount of awesome work you've done.